Today, 14 years ago, I began to do life differently, though admittedly, absolutely clueless. That day of January second, I had no idea what the message, “You must do life differently” meant, but that was the message rhythmically directing me after my last crisis when hospitalized. I would never again fall to such despair and hopelessness. I would have many opportunities in the following years to surrender again and again, but never from such deep darkness. While I couldn’t pray, Grace found me and prompted me to do so. Grace continued to open the path of what it meant to “do life differently”. I needed only to be open to it on a daily basis.
I’ve only recently possibly discovered what that means when I recently discovered, at the age of 68.5, that I never really left home. My childhood environments created a loss of security and much inner trauma. Years of depression were leaning me towards taking care of, expressing and mourning the consequences of the environment in my adult years. Going within through meditation discovers just what’s in there that I thought I was experiencing alone. “Doing” life differently meant a daily tenacious going within, but the difference was not just moving from only exterior living to interior living, but more so going within finds one is not at all alone. In fact, one is guided to within and what is found there is intimately guided, layer by layer.
I was surprised after Christmas that a bit of an anxiety attack presented. I’ve learned not to avoid these things, but to welcome them; what are you telling me that I don’t know that I need to know and to address? A number of right ordered events happened, one being Netflex “Happy” documentary which explained 50% of our “happiness set point” is genetic, 10% money, image and status and 40% is of the intrinsic values of relationships, personal growth and helping in our community. Eureka! I was so unaware that I had interpreted the home and school environment values as not 10%, but actually 110%! No wonder life was such a burden! I was investing 100% of my time, thought and effort in only an ‘a.c.o.a.’ (addiction, compulsion, obsessive attachment) to what needs only be 10% of happiness.
I had a dream too that it was actually my Grand-mother Nora that left me well supplied with riches for my future, not the folks. She prayed daily. I had successfully been practicing her rich investments and was finding freedom from all life-robbing issues and fears.
Also, I read where we can unconsciously so live life from the past that we aren’t actually living within the day – and that is intrinsically where happiness lives. I suddenly got it that I never really left home in trying to live life’s 10% as the 100% I perceived as what’s most important. So, I packed a very small satchel and walked out the front door of my home of origin. I was clear as water neither resembling mother, or dad or unforgiving religion.
Now to discover what small and simple things were packed in that very small satchel.