What prevails upon us to seek something more? Pain? Confusion? Restlessness? Darkness? Loss? Crisis? Desire? Boredom? Consciousness? Conscience? Sharing with others what we’ve learned? New gifts recognized? Guilt?What moves anything forward, especially those who recognize in and of themselves they do not have the drive to thrive – but do anyway? What is That?
Today is my 14th year anniversary from hospitalization for complete despair. In my quiet time this morning, I reflected:
What has caused me to persevere when I had given up? What caused me to commit to daily prayer when I couldn’t pray? What caused me to endure when I had absolutely no tolerance for pain? What caused me to be determined when I had completely given up? What caused me to pursue when I had no desire or motivation?
What created peace from absolute chaos and hope from absolute despair? What created companionship from the void or love from the incomprehensible? What caused life when I preferred and desired otherwise? What turned vulnerability into a relief from fear of it?
No name satisfies me this morning as Something seems quite beyond a name seems to fill the universe. I hope my gratitude fills the same space. As to a name, maybe ‘Life-Giving Spirit’ fits this morning because I remember vividly when I had no spirit of my own with which to live. No desire. No will. No courage or hope.
Some things remains; the inability to see into the future, an emptiness, a lack of control of it all, maybe even a realization of an inability to manage on my own completely. The difference is that the emptiness is no longer dark, but light; it is no longer fearful, but of a confident hope. I expect the continuation of grace for life and living, but I’ll add no expectations of what that will entail. I think I’ll be ready. The experience of grace gives a confidence to the moment.
I expect all tomorrows yet to come would also be graced with provision, perseverance, commitment, endurance, pursuance, peace, hope and companionship. Emptiness (no need to control) feels full of possibility. I’m the same person essentially, but how I perceive myself, my God and my world is all different; I no longer see myself, human nature, vulnerability and imperfection as anything except something of value God uses for good.
I used to think I wanted to be otherwise than what I was; now I see I just need to be Other wise.
My husband an I talk about how even with recovery we are the same; only our attitudes are different. (There was definitely room for improvement.) We also say, “Despite ourselves, Something is happening.” We are content with That.