Yesterday my husband off-handedly threw out the question, “What is intimacy in God’s terms?” It dropped us into silence.
I had to sit with that for awhile. Throughout my journey out of clinical depression and anxiety, I would answer this morning, ‘The One who attended to me in my suffering.’
Having lived with the excruciatingly indescribable anguish and desolation of spirit-soul from depression and a fear that leaves one waiting for the ‘shoe of doom’ to drop at any moment, I would encourage you as we close the year, to remember that every moment is a moment given to start over, to stick with the process connected to your Something Higher, to persevere in your hopelessness.
I saw hope defined as “confident expectancy” of which those in depression have none to little. I think Compassion moved me to “look up”, though, and to pray for help when I was unable to pray. I call her Grace and she has become all the goodness I needed to be there, to believe in. It took awhile, but now it is so.
That something can change, that something can come of your suffering is not about you, but that your heart and soul lifts to the potential of Something More that cares when nothing on earth seems to help. (I truly experienced life as so overwhelming that I came to the realization that really nothing on or of the earth can save me from my situation, from myself. But Something More actually did!)
Since hospitalization my mornings have consisted daily of spiritual reading, reflection, maybe some prayer and journaling and sitting in quiet. (Many know it as the 11th Step of a 12 Step program and others as Centering Prayer)
I share with you a couple little inspiring thoughts I read this morning:
I’ll rise. Maya
And for those raised on the Holy Spirit, a new definition: “uncreated Grace”. (found in a commentary by Fr. Richard Rohr) I can certainly resonate with That. Peace. Finally peace.